Getting Ready For Marriage

Seema, 27 years, was in love with Shekhar for last 5-6 years. Their family’s financial status, educational qualification, social status, job profiles were all comparable. But still, their parents were against their marriage as they belonged to different communities. Seema and Shekhar were very firm on their decision that if at all they had to marry they would marry each other only otherwise they would not marry at all. After 6 months of discussions between both the families, ultimately their parents agreed for their marriage and they got married. 6 months later Seema came to her parent’s home and said she did not want to go to Shekhar’s house again. What went wrong between them in such a short period? Before marriage,they were sure to lead a very happy married life as they had a lot of things common between them and they had talked about them a number of times. They were confident that they knew each other very well and had a very strong love bond between them. And now Seema was complaining that Shekhar was too possessive, lazy and short tempered.

Rakhi’s parents were planning her marriage with Sahil. She did not know Sahil at all as he was from a different place. The matrimony was initiated through one of the relatives of either of the parties. Rakhi had some fixed ideas regarding her spouse and so was the case with Sahil. They were both puzzled whether they would have a happy married life or not. Sahil decided to meet Rakhi before they were officially engaged. Sahil had written a number of points to be discussed. During their meeting, they realised that initially both of them were under tremendous pressure but as they started discussing the points one by one their awkwardness and tension reduced. Rakhi too had some points to be talked about which were openly discussed between the two. Now they were prepared for marriage. 8 months after marriage, they had a small quarrel over some issue. Both of them thought that the discussion they had before marriage was of no use. They were not aware of what kind of problems might arise after marriage. And thought their marriage had failed.

Suman had no intention of getting married and so was the opinion of Ramesh. Suman’s father was a cancer patient (last stage) and it was his wish that Suman, his only daughter, should get married during his lifetime. Ramesh had lost his mother during his school days and his father had not remarried so that he could take proper care of his son. Ramesh’s father also wanted Ramesh to get married so that he would be relieved of the daily chores of household activities in his old age. An acquaintance of both the families introduced them to each other and Suman and Ramesh tied nuptial knot on an auspicious day. Both the fathers were very happy. Both Suman and Ramesh had married for the wish of their fathers and not willingly. They decided to lead their lives as individuals staying under one roof. There was almost no communication between them. Suman shifted to her parental home after her father’s death on the pretext of taking care of her mother. Suman had no intention of going back to Ramesh’s place. Ramesh too felt relieved as he could now live by himself without having to bother about the stranger.

There are many such stories in society. What must be the reason for such incidences? What must be wrong in the relations? Or there is something wrong in the upbringing or the changing norms of the society? Or is it because of the materialistic approach towards life which is making separation and divorce more and more common these days.

Earlier the would-be husband and wife didn’t even see each other before getting married, leave aside talking and knowing each other before marriage. The alliances were finalised by the head of the family. It was not felt necessary to ask whether they were ready for the marriage. Slowly things changed and the bride and the groom were consulted before finalising their wedding but the elders had the final word. Then the divorce rates were far less. It is not that they all had a very happy married life but separation was not thought to be the solution. They preferred to accept and adjust to the situation rather than running away from it.

Today would-be couples meet each other quite frequently. Talk about a few factors before they formally get engaged and then married. They start believing that they know each other very well. But when they actually start their life together, they realise that there are many things which they did not know about each other. Secondly, they are not ready to accept the unknowns about their partner. Both of them do not realise that during their courtship both of them were not projecting their real self but they were trying to showcase only the good part of their behaviour. Also when either of them does not like something about the other partner they think that the particular issue is not so important to be talked about or resolved. They think it can be neglected. Similarly if one of the partners object the other would immediately apologise and promise not to repeat. But both of them do not realisethat when they are together 24x7 it might be difficult to adjust with each other on that particular issue and it might create problems in their married life.

There are certain issues which need to be addressed seriously before marriage and here is the role of a pre-marriage counsellor. Pre-marriage counselling helps to discuss the meaning of marriage for either of the partners, their expectations from the marriage and their belief systems in a structured manner. A pre-marriage counsellor can also address any particular issue of conflict or discuss potential issues that may arise later in the marriage and the ways in which they might be resolved in the future. Pre-marriage counselling would also help increase the likelihood of a happy marriage and minimize the chances of separation by helping the couple to identify their fears, values, beliefs, needs, expectations, desires and learn how to communicate them to the partner.